Gee Whiz!

From the strange mind of Bruce Gee:

(The following Presidential speech is fictional. Any resemblance to speeches, people, places and events are purely coincidental and are not meant to adversely influence an incumbent president's re-election chances nor awaken the common sense of the consciously unconscious. It is not meant to ridicule nor call unnecessary attention to events real or imagined. No incompetent, one-term Presidents were harmed in the writing of this column – Editor)

Ich Bin Ein Boolsheeter (Berliner)

In the dark days of the Cold War with Superpower Jyna, a brave American president stood on a cold winter morning at a public square in Eastern Ewe-rop. Here is his historic speech...

More than 200 years ago, the proudest boast was “civis Americanus sum” (“I am an American citizen”). Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is “Ich bin ein Amerikaner!”. I am an American citizen. All free men, whether they live in Nebraska, Wyoming, Idaho, or Mexico; Arizona, Alabama, North Dakota or Guadalajara, ARE citizens of the United States.

I am happy to report that my administration – in its first term - has completed the abolition of immigration laws. We have destroyed the shackles that used to bind those yearning to be free, to breathe, to work for cutthroat wages, to vote for whomever they desire, be they Democrats, or Non-Republicans, alike - as long as these public servants have assisted in the transformation of these poor people's dreams into reality.

That gleaming symbol of HOPE in NY – the Statue of Liberty - proclaims: “Give me your poor, you tired, your huddled masses. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.” I say come one, come all – your indigents, your innocents; your paralytics and your parasites; your healers and your drug dealers; your herders and your murderers; your servers and your gang-members.

Send them all in. They neither need to speak our language, nor seek work. All we ask of them in return is to learn to participate in our Democracy. This wondrous mechanism of freedom that transforms mere planters into voters, peasants into YES-ants, and anti-Yanquis into Nueva Yanquis.

They need only learn that on election day, one – one partido alone – has persevered to make their dreams come true: To come to America, for their keeds to studee en mebe juan day he, too, can beecome president – just as dees humble keed from Genya. If he can fabricate a birth certificate from Kawaii, why should'nt you?

If a bigamous much-older foreign student can impregnate a lovely, innocent 18 yr old American teenage college student and leave her and her parents to raise this child while he goes back to his real family in Genya, why shouldn't you? My father did it.

Make no mistake, my friends. The time ees now. We will educate your children, even if we have to deprive the children of our own taxpayers. We shall provide you and yours with health care, even if we have to cut benefits to our own elderly citizens.

We shall act on your dreams, not the dreams of our own youth, because these are the dreams of my father before he hightailed.

So, please have HOPE that we can continue to CHANGE things for four more years.
Join me when I proclaim, ICH BIN EIN BOOLSHEETER!!!!

Chad bless you, and Chad bless all you future voters.

(Cue anthem - “Jo---se, can you see?..By da Don's early light.....)

Other Posts by Mr. Gee:
When Posh Comes to Shove